Spanks My Baby

1980 “Spanks My Baby” June 4, 2013 Right after April and I got married I had this job with a company called Rollins Protective Services. I installed residential and commercial alarm systems. One of our jobs was to perform preventative maintenance. One day I showed up at this house in Cleveland and the experience went like this; The family was African American, the husband was super skinny and the wife was super fat, really odd to look at. They had strong accents and the wife also had a lisp. I was going around the house checking the window units and I couldn’t pick up this on piece of furniture to get to the window. I also didn’t want to drop anything. The wife picked it up like it was an empty bag and while I just stood there looking at her she said, “wants wrong with you boy get in there and check the system”. I came back to the moment and finished what I had to do. As I was putting the paperwork together I noticed a fish tank, a large fish tank in the dining room. It had the ugliest fish in it I had ever seen, it was also very large. When I commented on the tank she said (remember the accent) “That’s my piranha”, I said what? She walked over to the tank and while looking at the fish said, “Yes that’s my baby” I thought to myself OK she has a piranha that she is attached to. Then it really got weird. She said to me “yes that’s my baby and when she is bad I has to spanks my baby”. I just commented you spank a piranha? She then demonstrated. As she was slowly lowering her one hand into the tank she was saying, “I puts my hand in here like this and go slowly, she has the cataract in one eye and she can’t see me” She then moved quickly and rushed her hand around the fish and pinned it to the bottom of the tank. The fish was rather upset and was trying to get away. The slowly putting her other hand into the tank she spanked the fish on the back fin while saying, “see I spanks my baby when she’s bad”. She removed her hand quickly and the fish was upset about the entire experience. But I get upset when I’m spanked as well !!!!!!!! And this wasn’t the weirdest one that happened while I had this job!

Breaking the Law - With Dale

2000-2001 Breaking Motor Vehicle Laws with Dale May 19, 2013 Dale was transferring from Ricks College to OSU and I went out west to help drive her home. When I arrived in Salt Lake the weather reports indicated that a storm would be moving through in a couple of days. I wanted to leave to get ahead of the storm. This was my reasoning for driving very fast as we moved east. Things went well going out of Utah, and Wyoming. When we hit Nebraska I was still moving along at about 90 or so in her little GEO. Actually I was surprised it would go that fast much less maintain that speed when we were out of city limits, etc. As we were going along a State Highway Patrol office was driving in the west bound side of the interstate and as he and I topped a hill he had me dead to rights. Dale was sure we were going to jail. I did what I thought was my only option, increased my speed and went into full evasion mode. Dale became even more worried at this time as the little car was hitting 95 and that was about all I needed except it was trying to go faster. I was going to try a little trick that served me well in Cleveland on several occasions. I knew the officer had to get to a place to turn around unless he had a buddy on my side of the highway. It was my good luck he didn’t. He had about a mile to go to turn around and I had about a mile to go to get to an exit. As I got to the exit I moved toward a truck stop type of place that also handled cars and dropped Dale off at the edge of the parking lot with cash, credit cards just in case I didn’t pull this off. She was to walk around the parking lot and meet me inside the truck stop. I pulled the car into a parking spot and ran to the other side of the lot with only my keys and ID. As I started moving toward the truck stop I saw the office getting off the exit and pulling into the parking lot. He was looking for you know who and company. It was my luck that there were several small cars in the lot and some with colors close to ours. He just couldn’t tell who was going 90 plus on his highway. Anyway Dale and I stayed there for a while, had a snack and made sure the officer had been gone for a while before we headed back onto the highway. We drove several more hours, yes I stayed at 90 and she wanted to know more about how to do that in the future! I guess I was bonding with my daughter breaking the law. Well it is a Peyton family tradition.

Vegas

Vegas 1980 or 1982 April 7, 2013 While working for a company called Telxon selling barcode equipment, it was cool back then, I was assigned to a beer distributor’s show. While there I was to entertain and take care of customers in the evening while working the floor of the show during the day. One evening I was to go out and watch people gamble. I was to pick up their tabs and make sure they were happy. It helped to have an unlimited expense account back then. I went to my room to have dinner before I went out for the evening. I have been known to spill food on myself while watching TV and eating so I came up with a great idea. After room service was delivered I undressed to eat, thinking I wouldn’t get any food on my clothes. I was very proud of this until after I finished dinner. As some of you may know when you have finished your meal in a hotel room you slide your tray into the hallway and someone will pick it up later. Well I went to the door opened it slowly looked into the hallway to make sure no one could see me and I slid my tray onto the floor next to my door. Then it happened. As I was bent over the door closed hitting me in the backside and pushed me into the hallway. I was wearing nothing but my underwear and socks standing in front of my door. Well after I let out a few choice words I started to consider my options. Standing in the hallway in one piece underwear I figured it wasn’t the best idea to knock on doors for help considering what city I was in and how it would look. At this time there wasn’t any house phones on the floor because some people might use them to call various rooms to arrange a meeting if you get my drift. So I headed to the elevators. I pushed the down button, the doors opened and my prayers for an empty elevator were not answered. A man dressed as an English Butler with bowler hat, three piece suit and cane burst into laughter. As I tried to explain he just thought it was funnier. The doors opened. If you have been to an upscale casino in Vegas you know they have shopping areas in-between the elevators and the casino floor. At least they did back then. The walls were glass for security to see into the store. Well when the doors opened two ladies dressed to the hilt saw me and I thought they were going to have a heart attack. To say the least I got a disgusted look. To say the most if the internet had been around they would have been checking the sexual offender’s web site looking for my photo! I took about three steps when security introduced themselves to me and made me stand there without offering a towel or nothing while I explained my story. One of them even asked for ID. Considering my situation I didn’t give the answer I wanted to. Anyway they called the front desk escorted me back to my room checked my ID and all was well. I didn’t tell the clients. I did tell April who laughed for a month.